Our very dear Tulekah is in the process of studying within our tradition to graduate to the Inner Circle. As such, she is, as with any course, given written assignments to complete. Her first such assignment was as follows:
She did an excellent job, and truly opened her heart, and poured her soul into this essay. I am very proud of her, and have high hopes that she will not only achieve the status of Inner Circle, but will one day be much more…
24 October, 2013
Assigned by MoonRaven
My journey through Wicca started very young. At 7 years old I saw a little boy in front of my house. He was playing hide and seek in the tall trees in my yard, which lined the dirt road in front, from the fence to the driveway. It was dark, and winter, so I found it odd that a little boy who looked not much older than I did was outside. I told my father, who told me there was no one there. These types of events continued…
At about 12 years old it really hit me – I did not believe the same things my friends at school did, and I could see and hear things they could not. I thought I was going crazy. I started to look around online for something that fit, and I found various things but nothing truly fit. Around this age, maybe 13 at most, I had an episode what would be later labelled as an anxiety attack, but I think it was more like my natural abilities trying to escape through force. I was watching television with my sister in the living room, and she got up and left. Shortly after I felt very hot. I closed my eyes and opened them, to see fire surrounding me. I screamed and cried out for my parents for I don’t even know how long, and according to them it took 20 minutes before I came back to reality. My mother got something at the pharmacy to help me sleep that night. They didn’t really know what to do with me!
The following year I met a girl at school who claimed to be Wiccan. I listened to her version of it, and was intrigued. I now know she was a bit off on what true Wicca is, but I was 14, I didn’t know then. We became friends and hung out a lot at our houses together as we lived pretty close to each other, 10 minutes away by car. One day in my bedroom we played around with fire. We started a match in a tin bowl and used our minds to increase the flame… and almost burned my house down… It really opened my eyes that I was, in fact, different.
I did more of my own research, mostly online but getting books where and when I could. I did my first ritual at 14, as a solitary. I lit candles, called the corners (though it was very different from what I do now!) and did a ritual. I chanted off the top of my head. It was to try to save the dwindling relationship of my parents and family. My parents were about to get divorced, and I was tired of being the “punching bag” they took it out on. It totally backfired, things became far worse, and not long after they had their first break up since I was 5, but it didn’t last long. They got back together and broke up again several times. After this (after a while), I realized I could not help them.
But my passion was sparked. I decided to focus on myself after this more than others. I did little things here and there, turning lights on and off, fire play (my parents thought I was a total pyro by then) and just admiring the night skies. When I was about 15 I went to a catholic church youth group meeting. I just had a bad break up with my first ever boyfriend and was devastated and needed new people to surround myself with for a while. I met a boy there and he asked me out, but it was 3 weeks of phone calls then he dumped me on Boxing Day by email. I ended up dating the other guy for 4 more months. But it also showed me that I need to go with my gut. The day I met the “new guy”, at the church, there was a music circle and it touched me. I thought at the time it meant I should be converted. But when the “old guy” who still was very close friends with me, talked to me about it, he told me to really look inside myself and see if it was just how the songs touched me. See, during one song, I saw my grandmother, who had departed not long before. (I was 12 when she passed). It had me in tears. I misread the signals. In hindsight I think she was telling me, this is not for you. And my on and off boyfriend, was trying to get me to see that. I went back to him, and back to myself, and back to Wicca.
I practised on and off until I was in my late teens. I moved a lot, so I was solitary for my entire teen life. I wasn’t very open to many people in my teens, but I did find some people online to chat to about it. I would often be found outdoors or alone in my room online. But as my family fell apart, so did I. I took attention from who ever offered it, and it resulted in sexual assault and 3 miscarriages by the time I was 18. I got into heavy drinking and stopped my life for alcohol. I was a royal mess. I moved in with a guy who encouraged me to get back to finding myself and even though my relationship with him ended, I did find myself. When I was 18 I got pregnant, not just with the lost child, but with my first born. It took me back to my beliefs, because I wanted to instill them in my child. I did my first ritual in about two years, full on with a circle made of salt and chalk lines in my kitchen, when I was 8 months pregnant. I wished for health and love for my child from the Goddess, for a safe delivery and passage into our world. I ended up having my daughter at 40 weeks and 5 days via full medical induction after a very difficult pregnancy. But she was perfect! I managed to do the labour with no epidural and nursed immediately. She had lots of hair! She was tall and skinny just like her parents, lol. Everything was amazing for the first 3 weeks of her little life, darn near perfect.
But then, the ground was removed from beneath me. And I fell down hard.
I came home when my daughter was 3 weeks old, from a doctor’s appointment. I had spent the entire night before in hospital, as my wee little girl had been very ill the day before and kept overnight for observation. Only one parent could stay, so my fiancé, her father, went to his mother’s house to be close by. I had a horrible, shaking in my bones feeling all the way home from that appointment. It was raining where I was when we left and it sunk into my body. It was the first time I had left her, and though only for a few hours, the longest I thought I would ever have. Little did I know it would end up being the last time I saw her, that morning when I left, or her father. I came home to find out, my house burned out. My daughter was taken to one hospital and my fiancé, another. I darted (with my mother behind the wheel) to the hospital, to be taken to that little room and told the worst news of my entire life. I had an angel. 2 days later, her father joined her from a Montreal hospital, his body had given in after 48 hours of fighting, he was brain dead and his body shut down.
I turned to my beliefs before anything. It was the only thing I could do to keep me from going off the deep end. I spoke of the Summerland, the spirit travels, and how I believed my child was born into a life she knew she would not be in long, so she gave me an amazing gift of sharing her short life with me before being called off because the lessons she needed to learn and lessons she had for me where now done. I spoke of how my fiancé had reached his lessons as well, and how I shall forever cherish how he gave me unconditional, undivided, pure love for a short time. He is my soul mate, but it not to be my mate in this life. And it took me much time to come to terms with that. But as soon as I let my full grief out, after all the formal funerals and burial ceremonies finished… I lost it.
I spent about 3 months doing nothing. I drank too much. I went totally insane. Someone from my life before my child came back into it and took it over. I was grieving but covering it with temperamental, superficial happiness, and lusted in others. I ended up, 6 months after the horrific day, moving out of town to be with another man, who turned me to a dark side of life. For the next 6 months I studied dark magic and Satanism, even was editor of a youth website for a local satanic circle. Then, he did to me what I never thought would happen again after my mother did it when I was 15. He pulled a knife from his own wrist, to my throat. And that showed me the true colors behind the dark life he was leading. I was out of it in days. And found myself again grieving.
Situations led me back to where I am now. I moved back home for a brief time and regained myself, restarted my life. It was a rough patch, with many bumps and bruises. But I found Wicca, I found my Goddess again. I was on and off practising my arts until I started planning my wedding, many years later. In that time I had a son, and was a single mother to him until I reconnected with an old friend who became my husband after 3 years of dating and 2 years of living together. I also gained a child in my step-daughter, and had another child with my husband. I realized I could not, would not feel really married without my true beliefs being involved, so our entire ceremony was a fusion of Catholic and Wiccan traditions. We had a hand fasting as part of the ceremony; it was an amazing experience, and received likewise response from wedding guests. Many had never seen it done, and thought it was unique, but it in a good way.
After my wedding I decided I really needed to connect to others and break out of my solitary shell. I started reading more, researching more and looked for a local Circle. And thus, I found the SRC!
My first encounter, I did not know what to think! Here where these women, so close to in distance and lifestyle choices and beliefs. They were all a little different but I could find ways to relate to each of them. Little did I know it was the start of an amazing friendship, especially with 3 of the women who were sitting with us… There were 6 of us that first dinner. I soon befriended them all. Moon Raven, Witch Hazel and West Winds all of course where there. We had several more dinners then I was invited to my first ritual. It was the first “formal” circle ritual and I was overwhelmed with the energy. It was pouring rain and we were outside for the whole thing. But I wasn’t cold until after the circle was closed. We had many more dinners, rituals and gatherings, including a weekend getaway camp what most of us and some of the children attended. It was a blast!
Yule last year I was officially initiated into the Circle and given my wiccaning, and given the name Tulekah. This name came to me on Hallows Eve while I was doing a cleansing bath before ritual. I have learned so much from my sisters, and have in turn hopefully helped them along their journeys in life and love and higher power. I love them like family, as, after all, our circle is that of a family one, a teaching circle. And as I am learning more, experiencing more and rising up, I am excited for the next chapter.
I hope above all things, to grow stronger, and wiser, and happier. This is true in all areas of my life; my work and my parenting and myself as a whole, but my work in the pagan community and the Circle it holds particular importance, because without my faith and my Sisters, I would not be who I am! I hope to learn from my sisters and teach them, as well as learn from new members and friends and teach them. I hope to help expand the horizons of the minds of others, and break the stereotype placed on us for so many years. I hope to be able to further my powers both personally and in the Circle as a whole. I want to be able to be in tuned with nature as I once was before tragedy pulled me from my gifts to do so. I want to be able to commune better with all beings, both here and no longer here.
I am also excited to see my little witchling come into her own. My youngest child is particularly gifted and I don’t just mean she’s smart. She’s surely a child of the Goddess herself. She’s already seeing beings that Momma can’t. And as vouched by her auntie Jessie and Auntie Sarah, they are not just imaginary friends! I hope to help her control her gift better and cannot wait for her to be taken under the full wing of the Circle as well as maybe my son in the future!